The holiday season is here. Streets glow with twinkling lights, shop windows display gingerbread houses, and the scent of mulled wine wafts through the air. It’s the most wonderful time of the year... or is it?
For expats, especially trailing partners, Christmas can feel like an amplified reminder of everything you’ve left behind. While everyone else seems to be surrounded by family, indulging in traditions and merriment, you might find yourself staring out a frosted window, scrolling through Instagram, and wondering, Why does this feel so hard?
I’ve been there. Having lived in four countries over the past seven years, I’ve experienced Christmases that didn’t feel magical at all. Instead, they felt isolating and bittersweet—a season that highlighted my loneliness rather than filling me with joy.
But over time, I learned to approach the holidays differently. In this post, I’ll share what I’ve discovered about finding belonging and joy during Christmas as an expat.
When I first moved to London in 2017, Christmas was a struggle. I was new to the city, still finding my footing while my partner dove into their exciting new role, colleagues to connect with, challenges to tackle, and a sense of purpose. Meanwhile, I was left at home, staring at empty boxes we hadn’t unpacked, feeling utterly disconnected from the festive spirit around me.
I missed my family in Serbia. I missed the chaos of Christmas dinners, the smell of roasted peppers, and the loud, overlapping conversations that were so uniquely ours. In London, everything was quieter—and not in a comforting way. My neighbors were polite but distant, and no one invited me in for a cup of tea or a chat.
For many expat women, the holidays are an emotional minefield. Friends and family back home assume you’re living the dream, while you’re silently wishing you could teleport back to the comfort of familiarity. And when your partner doesn’t fully understand your loneliness—it’s not that they don’t care, they’re just busy building a new life—it can feel even heavier.
When faced with this kind of loneliness, many of us turn to the same coping mechanisms. For me, that meant throwing myself into “busy mode.” I decided I’d host the perfect Christmas dinner, complete with handmade decorations and Pinterest-worthy cookies. I thought, If I can just make it look like Christmas, it will start to feel like Christmas.
But here’s the truth: it didn’t work.
Why? Because no amount of tinsel or homemade gingerbread can fill the void of meaningful connection. I was trying to recreate the life I had back home in a place that was fundamentally different.
Another old habit? Waiting for someone else to take the lead. I’d silently hope my partner would notice how sad I felt and do something—anything—to make it better. But expecting someone else to fix your loneliness often leads to disappointment.
The truth is, no one can fill that gap for you.
It wasn’t until my second Christmas in Paris that I realized something had to change. I’d returned from a neighborhood Christmas market, feeling utterly defeated. I had arrived late, missed the opening speeches, and spent the rest of the time awkwardly sipping a cup of vin chaud, too nervous to approach anyone.
When I got home, I broke down. The tears weren’t just about the failed evening—they were about everything: the homesickness, the loneliness, the fear that this was my new normal.
In that moment, a question popped into my head that changed everything: What if I stopped trying to recreate what I had back home?
Instead of forcing traditions that didn’t fit, what if I embraced the quirks of my new life abroad? What if I stopped chasing perfection and started creating something entirely new?
So, how do you transform the holidays when you’re feeling lonely as an expat? Here are four things that helped me reclaim Christmas:
1️⃣ Redefine Your Traditions
When I stopped trying to recreate my Serbian Christmas and started embracing local traditions, the season felt lighter. In Geneva, I fell in love with the Swiss custom of Christmas markets, where families spend quality time eating sausages and sipping mulled wine.
Think about what’s special or unique about your current location. It might be a local holiday food, a special event, or even something as simple as a snowy walk. Let go of perfection and let your new traditions emerge naturally.
2️⃣ Focus on Connection, Not Perfection
Instead of stressing over hosting the ideal Christmas dinner, I shifted my focus to connection. One year, I invited a few expat friends over for wine and cold cuts. We shared our stories and laughed about daily stuff.
The key isn’t in having a Pinterest-worthy holiday—it’s in creating moments that make you feel seen and understood.
3️⃣ Find Your Community
Community is everything. Whether it’s a local book club, a yoga class, or an online group of fellow expats, finding people who “get it” can make all the difference.
For me, playing tennis became my lifeline in Paris. It was a space where I didn’t have to overthink what to say or how to fit in—I could just be.
4️⃣ Be Kind to Yourself
It’s okay to miss home. It’s okay to feel sad. But don’t let those feelings define your experience. Take small steps to create moments of joy for yourself—whether that’s lighting a candle, writing a gratitude list, or dancing to your favorite holiday song in your pajamas.
When you stop chasing the past and start embracing the present, something magical happens: you start to feel at home.
By my third Christmas abroad, I was no longer trying to “fix” everything. I had new traditions, new friends, and a deeper sense of belonging. I realized that home isn’t just a place—it’s something you create within yourself, no matter where you are.
So, as the holiday season unfolds, let me leave you with this: What would happen if you stopped searching for the Christmas you’ve lost and started creating the Christmas you need?
Comments