Hey, lovely people! Welcome back to the Social Expat Journal that’s all about turning language anxiety into language confidence and social anxiety into your very own superpower. If you’re an expat woman struggling to find your place in a new country—whether it’s your first big move or you’ve been hopping around the globe like me—you are in the right place!
Today, I’m going to tell you a story that I know so many of you will resonate with because, we’ve all been there. The moment you’re at that coffee shop in a new country, trying to mimic the perfect way the locals sip their lattes or how they say ‘hello’—and it just feels... off. Almost like you’re on stage, playing a part, but it’s not really you up there.
Let me take you to Paris. Ahh, Paris—city of love, croissants, and that je ne sais quoi! Sounds dreamy, right? Well, for me, it was more like a mix of excitement, frustration, and a whole lot of imposter syndrome. And it didn’t have anything to do with language—because, yes, I could handle French well enough. It was more about feeling like I wasn’t ‘Parisian’ enough.
I’d walk down the streets, do my best to blend in, and somewhere along the way, I started trying to be someone I thought I should be. You know what I mean, right? I had that awkward moment where I overanalyzed how to properly sip my espresso while doing a mental comparison: “Wait, is my scarf tied like theirs? Does this jacket scream 'foreigner'?” Spoiler alert: trying that hard didn’t get me any closer to belonging. Instead, I started feeling more like an outsider in my own skin.
Have you ever done that? You know, try to squeeze yourself into this idea of who you’re supposed to be because, deep down, you just want to belong?
Maybe you’re in Berlin, Seoul, or New York, trying to pick up every local habit or twist your tongue to sound like a native speaker. But somewhere along the way, your true self starts fading into the background, and suddenly you don’t know who you are anymore. Been there? Yeah, me too.
So, here’s the thing… what I was doing wrong—and what I see so many expat women doing—is we try too hard to fit in. We go overboard, trying to speak perfectly, act ‘correctly,’ and before you know it, we’ve transformed into someone else. The locals notice, and honestly? It doesn’t make you feel more like one of them. It makes you feel more… disconnected, because you’ve lost touch with yourself.
But what if I told you there’s another way? What if instead of focusing so much on ‘fitting in,’ we flipped the script and focused on bridging—you know, creating connections that feel authentic? I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to let go of your own culture, your quirks, or your sense of self just to belong.
It’s about finding balance.
For me, it happened when I stopped trying to be this ‘ideal Parisian’ and started showing up as my Serbian-British hybrid self. It was like a light bulb moment. I didn’t have to choose between my love of a good ćevapčići and my fondness for British afternoon tea. I could love them both and still enjoy that café au lait. It’s all about being true to yourself and letting that be the bridge you build between you and your new environment.
And guess what? The moment I stopped focusing so much on ‘fitting in’ and started embracing the mix of cultures inside me, that’s when I started feeling more connected to others. Not because I was suddenly ‘one of them,’ but because I was showing up as me—and that authenticity is what people connect to. Not whether you have the ‘right’ scarf or the perfect accent.
So, if you’re nodding your head right now, if this is you trying to navigate expat life while also keeping your sanity—listen up. You don’t have to change who you are to feel like you belong. In fact, the more you lean into who you truly are, the more you’ll find your people.
Take a moment to ask yourself: “How can I integrate without losing myself?” Maybe you admire the way locals take time for long lunches or how they celebrate the seasons. Cool! Bring those things into your life in ways that feel true to you. But don’t bend yourself into a pretzel trying to fit some unrealistic mold. The goal isn’t to become someone else; it’s to connect in a way that feels real.
And for the end, instead of ‘fitting in,’ I want you to focus on how you can bridge the gap. What aspects of your own culture and identity can you bring forward to enrich your experience while also welcoming new traditions and perspectives from your new country?
That’s the sweet spot. That’s where you find the magic of belonging without burning yourself out. And the best part? When you’re grounded in who you are, you can handle those awkward language moments, those strange cultural interactions, with so much more grace. You’re not ‘trying to belong’—you already belong, because you belong to yourself first.
And that’s a wrap for today, my lovely expats! If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your stories. Email them to me or leave me a voice message on Instagram.
Until next time, remember: You belong right where you are, because the world needs exactly who you are.
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