Challenge Your Thoughts: Ask ‘Is This Within My Control?’

Aleksandra Ninovic
Jun 18
3 min read

We’ve all been there:

You obsess over that awkward thing you said. You spiral after someone’s cold tone. You replay a conversation for the tenth time, trying to rewrite it in your head.

You’re stuck in a loop. And your mind is the one holding you hostage.

But here’s a simple question that can break the cycle: “Is this within my control?”

Because when you stop trying to control what you can’t… you free up energy to focus on what you can.

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By the end of this post, you’ll understand:

How to identify unhelpful thought patterns.
Why so many expat women waste energy on things outside their control.
How asking one powerful question can restore your focus, clarity, and peace.
3 mindset tools to stop spiraling and start anchoring in the present.

This is your toolkit for mental freedom — one breath, one boundary, one brave question at a time.

When you live abroad, life is uncertain:

Will they understand me?
What if I mess up?
Did I just offend someone?

Your brain tries to protect you by rehearsing every possible outcome. But instead of helping, it exhausts you. Because most of what it worries about… isn’t even yours to fix. You can’t control:

Someone else’s opinion of you
The pace of your language learning
Whether you fit into a system that wasn’t built for you

But you can control how you respond.

Imagine two circles:

Circle A: What you control

Your thoughts
Your choices
Your effort
Your voice

Circle B: What you don’t control

Other people’s reactions
The past
The weather
How fast your child adjusts

Now ask: which circle do you spend most of your energy in?

The more time you spend in Circle B, the more powerless you feel.

But when you come back to Circle A? You return to yourself.

I used to spend hours overthinking every conversation in French. Did I conjugate that verb wrong? Did the pharmacist think I was rude? Should I have smiled more?

And one day I realized: I was exhausted not from speaking French… but from judging myself for not speaking it perfectly.

So I asked: Can I control how they perceive me? No. Can I control how I speak and learn? Yes.

That shift changed everything.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teaches us that thoughts create feelings — and feelings drive behavior.

If your thoughts focus on the uncontrollable, you feel: